I'm in a bit of a funk today. Not much, compared to what others are feeling from what I'm reading online - but a bit of the blues to be sure.
I'm disappointed in myself, and I know being mad at myself isn't going to change anything but I still am. I found out recently that a project I've been talking about doing for 2 years is coming to fruition-for SOMEONE ELSE.
And you know what, I am GENUINELY happy for them!!! Just because they did it and I didn't, doesn't mean I don't want to wish good for them. I'm thrilled someone has this opportunity, it will help them and their career its a great thing, and I know this person is feeling on top of the world, as they should.
While I can be happy for them, I still feel like crying for me. I know that just because THEY got that opportunity before I did DOES NOT MEAN there isn't MORE good out there for me. I KNOW that!!!!! Still-That doesn't mean I'm not very angry at myself for not believing in myself forging thru with it 2 yrs ago and that doesn't mean I'm not upset at ME.
Sometimes I don't think anyone would be interested in what I do or make, I have some kind of low self esteem when it comes to anything I do. I'm always the one talking up others, not myself. I never crow about myself or my accomplishments. I never vie for the limelight, I'm happy to be backstage assisting everyone.
But I think, that this kind of thinking for me is holding me back from things I want and things I feel I should be doing. Why SHOULDN'T I be the one who is teaching the classes or selling the most popular thing rather than helping the class or wrapping up orders.
Also, I miss having a creative group to hang out with. Everyone seems to have their own 'clique' and don't want any new friends. Its been hard because I'm not going out or taking classes where I would meet some other creative people.....
Maybe its just the rain and gray that are making me so introspective. Or maybe its that dang mercury in retrograde....blahhhhh