Reverb10: Let Go

You all know, I'm a big believer in synchronicity and the universe leaving little hints here and there to help us when we need it.  My sleep schedule is completely messed up from being sick. I'll nap off and on during the day then at night I'm up until 4am or 5 or later....So, in the wee hours of the morning yesterday while blog surfing I came across Bonnie Rose's Blog where she talks about Reverb10. 

What the heck is reverb10?  The description from the website: Reverb 10 (#reverb10) is  an annual event,  an open online initiative that encourages participants to reflect on this year and manifest what’s next. It’s an opportunity to retreat and consider the reverberations of your year past, and those that you’d like to create in the year ahead. We’re connected by the belief that sharing our stories has the power to change us. We look forward to reading yours.

If EVER there was something I needed that showed up at just the right time in my life, this would be a prime example. Everyday they post a prompt, today's prompt is:

Let Go: What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I laugh that THIS is my first prompt. I want to say "what DIDN'T I let go of in 2010?  Some things that I let go of have been painful.   I let go of my beloved cat of 18 yrs.  I let go of trying to make my marriage work when it clearly wasn't and in turn had to let my husband and our 12 1/2 yr marriage go.  That was very very hard but I truly believe its for the best for BOTH of us in the long run. So, now I've let go of security and stability while I go out on my own after so many years. I am leaving my beloved San Francisco with its diversity and temperate climate and moving to W.Va at Christmas time where its 25 degrees and snowing.   I'll be leaving my super urban, down town city living in my loft apt and moving into a 120 yr old brick flat in the historic district of a tiny city of 35,000 people. I've also let go of some other relationships where I gave more than I got in return.  Energy suckers and people who only know you when they want something or need someone one to cry on. I deserve more than that in a friendship.

But letting go isn't always a painful thing.  I'm letting go of so many "things" because I have to move and can't talk all this junk with me.  While purging, I have come to realize how much I held on to things over the last 10 or so years because of fear. Fear I "might" need it "one day" or fear I wouldn't be able to find or replace it if I got rid of it....  Now things are going to Goodwill, to friends or getting sold and along with all that stuff I didn't need I'm also letting go of stress of clutter and chaos. 

Signposts and Milestones

Why Don't You Love Me- Beyonce

While laying in my sick bed today, I caught the "Why don't you love me?" video on NewNowNext Poplab. I'm not a huge fan of pop or Beyonce but this video really got my attention.  First, the 50's/early 60's pin up styling of it is something I adore (fantastic make up and lingerie!) and second because the lyrics hit home with me right now - "why don't you love me when I make me so damn easy to love?"

I'll admit, I laughed when I watched this because its been on my mind so heavily over the past few months,  with a couple of people in my life.  I love them with all my heart and soul yet get little in return. They give a little and say they care but then pull back.  I wonder, what is it about me that these people don't care to care about me in return?  I talk to my gals and they all seem to have at least one relationship in their lives with someone they can't quite connect with, even though they want.  They keep trying and keep getting shot down, usually in very passive aggressive ways...

The past couple of days I've been really introspective about this subject. I suppose I'm ruminating about it for many reasons.  Partly due to being single and living alone soon, partly because of the holidays and probably a lot about the whole "healing" process. Couple all that with me being the kind of woman with the kind of IQ that compells her to analyze and figure how HOW and WHY things are they way they are. Luckily, the universe has been leaving little signs for me here and there this week. Yesterday I got an email that said: 

When you understand why something hurts, Barbe, it stops hurting.

When you understand you have options, you take action.

And when you understand you have wings, you can soar again. 

I'm trying to understand, it hasn't been easy though.  Like most people, I think its something personal, something about ME as a person. It's hard to step outside yourself and look at the relationship with an unbiased eye.  Luckily the universe heard my little heart struggling to understand and Today's daily inspiration email today brought this gem:

Quit trying to be seen by people who are not capable of seeing you. When you keep trying to be seen by people who are not at your vibration, you begin to diminish yourself in order to match their vision of you. Quit it! Have love and compassion for them and then CHOOSE to be with others who have the ability (and desire) to see you.

 

Thanks universe for the thump on the head, I get it. I see the milestone. I know where to put my focus and which direction to turn.  It's not about "me" and all about "me" at the same time. 

 

And Beyonce sums it up beautifully:

 

"No, no, there's nothing not to love about me

I'm lovely

There's nothing not to need about me

No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

Maybe you're just not the one

Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB